Another great week in this life of mine, quite eventful but the eventualities left me out of all the fun. End of the year parties here and there, baby dedication, funeral ceremonies all come in there array as friends continued to send invitations. I had my own occasion planned out but it would be.
Wednesday 11th December was my wedding anniversary but my dear wife, Folasade, had fallen on Monday to a sudden burst of blood through her nose and throat. The doctors said it was epistaxis, a traditionalist friend of mine called it apeta, and I was a little bothered because of the volume of blood lost. She bled from Monday night to Thursday morning with a hospital admission in between. The hospital, the pharmacy and the gas station all dug my pocket and drained my accounts; all in an effort to ensure the safety of my wife. It was strenuous but the super hero in me would stop, even if it was 1:30AM on Tuesday. She would see an ENT specialist today.
In all of these, my mind kept wondering about how much couples do for one another, why the fight and go to court and why in some cases one partner dies in the midst of it all. According to history that abounds in my locality, women outlive their husbands; in some communities, it is believed that the women deliberately send the men to early graves by diabolical means. This is Africa and we tend to give some level of credence to such stories.
So I thought through and came up with a great plan on the best time to kill your hubby, strictly for women of determination. Please bear it in mind that I am not saying that women actually kill their hubbies, I am only here innocently trying to advice on the best way to do it, if the need arises.
Men can be stubborn sometimes, and they do the most annoying things. Don’t ask me, you know yourselves. So if any woman decides to neutralize her man for headiness, kindly share this with her and will be a clean job, don’t take my word for it though. Let’s say you are a young couple with only 4 years into your marriage and you’ve seen how his neck can’t stay in one place when the skirts are flowing; relax, you about to learn the best way to deal with him. I gave my wife the same piece of advice. Firstly, cut down the arguments; ensure that you always bow out of those heated arguments. Encourage him when he is down. Help him save on expenses. Do this till he clocks 45, if he doesn’t kill himself before then. After 45, regulate his diet and tell him to pay more attention to the children’s tuition while you monitor his and the children’s feeding. Keep at it tile he is 55, by this time the children should have graduated from the tertiary institution.
Did I ask you about retirement plan? My dear lady, stay on him to consider it seriously. At 55, the energy levels of most people are on a decline and many would not be able to function effectively at 60. So having an alternative source livelihood would be a good arsenal for you.
Help him start a small garden at the backyard and plant crops you can manage, encourage him to experiment with cucumber because watermelon may be quite challenging. Watermelons are generally good, especially for men, so you may add it to your food budget.
Monitor his life from age 60-75 and start plotting. Reduce the quantity of food you give him, argue more about the things you believe in and let him have a glass of water on the side table. Make him watch wrestling on Saturdays. Wait till he is 90 and strike! If he is lucky, he will die and if he is not; it may be you the wife that will go. In most cases the woman survives and lives on to become a centenarian and enjoys all the hubby’s estate with all the vigor in the world.
I have seen it work for many ladies, it will work for too.
Remember to make someone smile today through your acts of kindness; I did by sharing the advice in this letter. Do same, share now and leave me a comment.