Hi Folks,
The gist that has been trending lately in Nigeria bothers on sex, rape and defilement; a number of ladies have come out to say they were raped by their religious leaders or someone in position of power, authority, superiority or advantage. While my focus is not on the case of Busola Dakolo, wife of popular Nigerian musician Timi Dakolo and the founder of Commonwealth of Zion Assembly (COZA), Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo; it is difficult to dissociate the trend from the bit. The pastor has since denied through a press release; whether the allegations are true or not, we will probably never find out.
However, a number of folks have come up with a twist to the stories; asking what rape really means and when sex actually becomes rape. It is quite difficult to say when sex becomes rape but I will attempt to point out what some folks said on Twitter; @issabrncess tweeted “I might push you away a few times before I pull you close…”, next I fell upon the term “Token resistance”, ever heard that? Well, @fredase wrote, “token resistance is a thing and has contributed to rape”. @fredase’s tweet in my opinion is an indirect response to @issabrncess. If you have a moment, you might want to go and check their timelines out, off course not leaving @jajaphd, the instigator of the thread.
Taking it offline, my first respondent was very upset about the word rape. I got her to calm down eventually and she had so much to say. Otoniya as she is popularly known, told me of how she was raped and still got shamed for it. The lady next door actually heard her shouting “No! Stop! severally Her feeble voice wasn’t loud and convincing enough for her to have sensed danger and act. When the deed was done and the perpetrator was gone. The funny lady next door insisted that her cry was as of consent as she sounded like someone moaning in enjoyment. Funny enough, even with so much vexation, Otoniya, the anger in her voice sounded like a sweet melody. “He is my brother’s friend and was fond of buying me chocolates and occasionally drops jokes that I never reacted to. He tells my brother that my sense of humor was nil, and I always assured my brother his jokes were never true. He was a regular at our house and didn’t need any permission to show up. That faithful day, he showed up and I happened to be the only one in our flat. I was watching TV when he came in and I told him Jojo was not at home and will return in about 30 minutes. I was dressed in a wrapper and blouse, he started talking about me not caring for him anymore and I told him it wasn’t true that he’ll always be my brother. He swooped on me with the speed of a cheetah, I was shocked and didn’t know what to do, all I could manage to do was to tell him to stop. In a matter of minutes he was done. He started pleading thereafter but I could only cry and run to the wash room to cry some more. By the time I returned he was gone, my brother and mum returned to meet me still crying. I narrated my ordeal, my brother threatened to deal with him; then my mum waded in and pleaded with him that we had to keep it secret to avoid stigmatization. I was only sixteen, naïve and subjected to my mother’s decisions, so I conceded, this one neighbor whom I called as witness told my mum she wasn’t sure I didn’t consent. To cut the story, we swept the case under the carpet but my scar remains till this day”, Otoniya narrated.
When I threw the subject open with my friends, most of them cited instances when ladies will tell their friends how a guy simply gave up after attempting to come at them upon a few refusals. The lady on the panel said the subtle refusal doesn’t often mean ‘no’ and the man only has to decipher between the ‘real no’ and the ‘no’ that means a ‘yes’. Some ladies actually said a little force adds to the fun.
Well… my thoughts are; Otoniya’s case was defilement as she was a minor. Sex with a minor either by force or inducement is defilement and is punishable by law. Rape on the other hand is intercourse without consent. A ‘no’ should be taken for what it is whether your partner means it or not, in my opinion though. So the question really is, “at what point does sex become rape?”. Please leave your comments and opinions in the comment section below.
Thank God it is Friday, remember to make someone smile today, whenever and wherever. Enjoy the weekend.
Yours,
Ilupeju B